Stolen

This one is for her, but I stole it from Margaret Atwood

You fit into me
Like a hook into an eye

a fish hook
an open eye

In the Darkness

I can usually see the moon through the window as I lay in bed at night

But there is fog or clouds or something making the night sky look like it's upon me and never ending

Glacier blue walls to my right and left, white walls full of the things i love and pictures of people i love and have loved

I am naked under a pink and white floral comforter, a candle burns odorless on the desk to my left

Zerzan plays through my computer, talking about domestication, future of technology, the insanity of our way of life

The holes and blisters on my ankle are there for a reason

I don't want to forget why I feel this way, my body is reminding me of what led me here 

I want to be alive less tonight than I have in as long as I can remember

Hopelessness has enveloped me, and there aren't enough cigarettes or friends

I sat in her room for two hours yesterday, I still love her

It's more just a part of me than any kind of thought or feeling, it just simply is

I complained to her about E, who i also love

She listens, i wonder her motives, is she jealous?  I don't feel it

I burned this bridge with her more times than I can recount and we fell with it under the sea

It took us deep to the bottom and we have spent the last few months swimming slowly back to the surface

Yesterday it felt like we were on the surface

I don't want E to sink, she doesn't need to, I don't need to

I've been there more than enough times to know that I can't breathe down there

I'm stoned because I didn't want to be me tonight

I just wanted to be

Tonight I have less desire to be alive than I've had in as long as I can remember

The void of friendship and regret from mistakes made is just too much

I miss my friend, I miss late nights in bed talking about everything

I miss bike rides home, fears and hopes shared

She told me through crying eyes and sobs that "i hold you up, you hold me up"

And she did, and I did 

And now the darkness is

Notes to Self, Spring 2013:

Don't go to the skatepark when you don't care if you get hurt (or if you actually are seeking it out)

Don't listen to Pat the Bunny if you are actually trying to quit smoking cigarettes

Don't go to a baseball game or surround yourself with normal citizens of the United States, unless you want to:
1.  Witness a bunch of homophobia, racism, and jokes about domestic violence
2.   Spend an hour crying in a parking lot while texting people you shouldn't be and beating yourself up over being sad when you are full of privilege

Don't build unsustainable relationships with people you deeply care about and respect

Don't stay in contact with people who don't respect you or act in a loving way towards you, no matter how much you love them or believe they love you.

Do spend more time reading, fighting back, freeing yourself, and just flat out more time outside

Ride your bike everywhere, rollerblade everywhere, surf more

Don't spend the majority of your time and mental space with one human being for months at a time, no matter how awesome they are.

Quit smoking, it's gross and expensive

Quit jobs you hate, they are never worth it

Get out of town whenever possible to get some emotional and physical distance

Let people be, let yourself be