1:50 Am on Friday May 14th.
I really love my bicycle. I bought it about 2 years ago off of this terrible swim instructor named Travis ( I think). Actually, it was something with an "S," fuck i dont know. He was one of those people who talk to children as if they were physics professors. He would talk about flow dynamics, stroke mechanics, and all kinds of other shit that a five year old is not going to understand. He would also work relentlessly on one swimming drill that would take me weeks to change when I started to teach one of his old students. Regardless, he sold me Red Giant for 80 bucks. I barely ever rode the Giant. Instead, it sat in my garage as I drove around and drove around, even when I was only going a mile or two. I let my ex borrow it and it basically became her bike for most of the time she was with me. It wasn't until I moved into Makiki in August that I finally understood how fucking awesome bicycles are. Every single time that I bike someplace I feel i deserved to get there. With a car it just seems cheap. It is too easy in a car. Just sitting there putting a foot down gently and flying along until you get wherever you wanted to go. When I bike to work I feel satisfied and in our world that has become an all too rare feeling.
The thing I enjoy most about the friends I hang out with now on Oahu is that they fucking do things for themselves. They cook, they build, they create. They appreciate figuring things out on their own. They brew their own alcohol, fix and build their own bikes, and are just experts at being handy. I always like to tell them they are competent. They can survive, they are not as reliant on the world as most people. To live even a little this way is to be free. Free to be able to do things on your own without a crutch. I grew up with both my parents around fixing all my problems (or at least trying to). Only the last few years have I really understood the power of being able to be on my own and take care of my own shit, even though I am still not that great at fixing much of anything. I pay all my bills late. Scratch that. I pay some of my bills and the ones I do pay are late. I owe the hawaii public library over 100 dollars. I owe the state of hawaii several hundred dollars in traffic fines and am 50% certain there is traffic warrant for my arrest for getting pulled over without insurance. All of this weighs on me each day, yet I choose not to do anything about it. In a more perfect world, I would wake up tomorrow, deal with all of this and get it off my back. However, this is a digression from what I was really thinking about. A way to get into a familiar line of thinking that somehow rationalizes my life and my choices no matter how incredibly irrational they are.
What I was really going for was how i am ready for change. I am ready to leave Oahu. I am ready for new experiences. I am ready to keep in touch with the friends I care about, and make new ones wherever I go. I am ready to change. I need to change. I am most upset when my life becomes stale and stagnant. I let this happen far too often and I am glad that I have an out this time. I have a road trip across the country to look forward to. Thousands of miles of land and people I have never seen before, spent with the happiest couple I have ever met. I have no idea what a good relationship looks like, but if it isn't the one between the 2 beautiful people that I am traveling with then I am not sure I will ever find out.
So as I sit here eating my licorice and drinking my vitamin water at 210AM (some things never change) I wait for change. And I realize that change can't be waited on, it has to be made. I don't need to wait till mid August. I can wake up in a few hours and live however I want. And realizing that freedom is what allows me to wake up everyday, even if it is the same. Even if I spend half my day fucking around with fantasy sports or some other bullshit, I know that I can make a change at any time. That thought alone consoles me.
I really love my bicycle. I bought it about 2 years ago off of this terrible swim instructor named Travis ( I think). Actually, it was something with an "S," fuck i dont know. He was one of those people who talk to children as if they were physics professors. He would talk about flow dynamics, stroke mechanics, and all kinds of other shit that a five year old is not going to understand. He would also work relentlessly on one swimming drill that would take me weeks to change when I started to teach one of his old students. Regardless, he sold me Red Giant for 80 bucks. I barely ever rode the Giant. Instead, it sat in my garage as I drove around and drove around, even when I was only going a mile or two. I let my ex borrow it and it basically became her bike for most of the time she was with me. It wasn't until I moved into Makiki in August that I finally understood how fucking awesome bicycles are. Every single time that I bike someplace I feel i deserved to get there. With a car it just seems cheap. It is too easy in a car. Just sitting there putting a foot down gently and flying along until you get wherever you wanted to go. When I bike to work I feel satisfied and in our world that has become an all too rare feeling.
The thing I enjoy most about the friends I hang out with now on Oahu is that they fucking do things for themselves. They cook, they build, they create. They appreciate figuring things out on their own. They brew their own alcohol, fix and build their own bikes, and are just experts at being handy. I always like to tell them they are competent. They can survive, they are not as reliant on the world as most people. To live even a little this way is to be free. Free to be able to do things on your own without a crutch. I grew up with both my parents around fixing all my problems (or at least trying to). Only the last few years have I really understood the power of being able to be on my own and take care of my own shit, even though I am still not that great at fixing much of anything. I pay all my bills late. Scratch that. I pay some of my bills and the ones I do pay are late. I owe the hawaii public library over 100 dollars. I owe the state of hawaii several hundred dollars in traffic fines and am 50% certain there is traffic warrant for my arrest for getting pulled over without insurance. All of this weighs on me each day, yet I choose not to do anything about it. In a more perfect world, I would wake up tomorrow, deal with all of this and get it off my back. However, this is a digression from what I was really thinking about. A way to get into a familiar line of thinking that somehow rationalizes my life and my choices no matter how incredibly irrational they are.
What I was really going for was how i am ready for change. I am ready to leave Oahu. I am ready for new experiences. I am ready to keep in touch with the friends I care about, and make new ones wherever I go. I am ready to change. I need to change. I am most upset when my life becomes stale and stagnant. I let this happen far too often and I am glad that I have an out this time. I have a road trip across the country to look forward to. Thousands of miles of land and people I have never seen before, spent with the happiest couple I have ever met. I have no idea what a good relationship looks like, but if it isn't the one between the 2 beautiful people that I am traveling with then I am not sure I will ever find out.
So as I sit here eating my licorice and drinking my vitamin water at 210AM (some things never change) I wait for change. And I realize that change can't be waited on, it has to be made. I don't need to wait till mid August. I can wake up in a few hours and live however I want. And realizing that freedom is what allows me to wake up everyday, even if it is the same. Even if I spend half my day fucking around with fantasy sports or some other bullshit, I know that I can make a change at any time. That thought alone consoles me.
posted by Rydra Cosmo at
4:51 AM
|
0 comments
