Anxiety Anger Admission Aardvarks and whatever the fuck else
Just so you know, i will probably not mention aardvarks in this as I know almost nothing about them. Although, I did wake up with a lot of anxiety. Scratch that, i went to sleep with a lot of anxiety and woke up with the same anxiety eating at me. It only took a little while for me to admit that this anxiety stemmed from my anger over EVERYTHING. The things that make me most immediately angry are the things I see everyday. I see men treat women horribly. I see women perpetuate stereotypes about themselves by accepting gender roles without question. I see a queer community that is just beginning to lift itself up (while being pushed down). I see rampant racism, sexism, and homophobia. I see disparity of wealth in my everyday life. Between myself working a job where I am able to get by (albeit without health insurance) and many others working and still unable to sustain a comfortable life.
I see people walk by each other without seeing each other. I see people who are friends with people they will never truly hear or see. I see couples who are together for 40 years who understand each other no more than the day they met. I see whole countries and populations ignored on a daily basis by people like me. I go out with friends, i drink, i smoke, i fuck, i love, i hug, and best of all i ignore. I can go a whole day without truly thinking about the shitty plight someone is going through in san francisco which means it is even easier to forget about what someone is going through in Haiti while i go to bed comfortably and full. The guilt of this can be ravaging (and it should be). If you believe that nobody is truly free while one is imprisoned then the same should be said for starvation, hunger, and access to care (in all of its forms). The anger I feel when I admit this to myself is what gives me anxiety.
I am angry as all hell that I am 27 fucking years old and still have no real long lasting contribution to any of these problems. Yes, I am nice. I live my life treating the people I run into well. I believe I am a good friend, a good brother, and a good son. I am a good neighbor, a good roommate, and a good stranger on the street. I say hi, i talk to people, i care for those who I come across. I share my possessions and my time with my friends and people I care about. But that is nowhere near enough. I need a life dedicated to the beliefs i hold deep within myself. As I read about Paul Farmer I am struck by his dedication to his beliefs. Too often, I am silent when I speak. Too often, I stand by as others are oppressed. Too often, I am a tool of the system. These should be things that never happen to me, but they do. I let them happen. I forget that I need to mold the world I want to live in. I need to create a place where I can sustain happiness. I truly believe that this is impossible in the world I currently live in. Therefore, I have no choice but to go out there and break shit, change it, rebuild, tear down, do whatever is fucking necessary to create a world where I am happy and comfortable. I honestly believe this is possible and that deep down most people are with me when they stop with bullshit excuses. We are humans living in a world created by humans and run by humans...we cannot afford to forget that.
Last week I wrote a manifesto: It is cliche, it is trite, but i see value in it. I see value in tattoos, slogans, reminders of what it is one truly loves and believes in. I love hugs, i love family (not nuclear but created family), I love friends, i love intimacy, i love sharing, i love chains broken, i love tears of joy, i love laughing till i cry, i love beautiful words, i love beautiful people (of which there are billions), I love the ocean, forests, hills, mountains, cliffs. I love waves and feeling the power of the world and sometimes fighting it and sometimes letting myself be carried away. Anyways, here is my manifest, mostly so I can look at it when I feel anxious and angry and weak, and then I can remember to fight and to endure and to never give up on myself and my beliefs.
Be gentle with everyone, starting with myself
Treat others as I want to be treated
React to others injustice as strongly as I would react to my own injustice (react strongly to my own injustice)
Hold no power over others, let no others hold power over me
Believe in others as I believe in myself
Believe in myself
Make your world the one you want to live in
Love unconditionally
Give unconditionally
Stand against all stupid isms
Remember that staying quiet is a form of oppression
Fight oppression on small and large scales
Defy convention
Be free
Dont ever feel shame in being myself
Ask for help, give help
Being a good listener, sharer, friend, etc means both listening and sharing and letting others share and listen with you
Develop deep meaningful relationships
Well, that was cheesy and trite, but I believe necessary... We will see what happens, I will see what I make happen
Just so you know, i will probably not mention aardvarks in this as I know almost nothing about them. Although, I did wake up with a lot of anxiety. Scratch that, i went to sleep with a lot of anxiety and woke up with the same anxiety eating at me. It only took a little while for me to admit that this anxiety stemmed from my anger over EVERYTHING. The things that make me most immediately angry are the things I see everyday. I see men treat women horribly. I see women perpetuate stereotypes about themselves by accepting gender roles without question. I see a queer community that is just beginning to lift itself up (while being pushed down). I see rampant racism, sexism, and homophobia. I see disparity of wealth in my everyday life. Between myself working a job where I am able to get by (albeit without health insurance) and many others working and still unable to sustain a comfortable life.
I see people walk by each other without seeing each other. I see people who are friends with people they will never truly hear or see. I see couples who are together for 40 years who understand each other no more than the day they met. I see whole countries and populations ignored on a daily basis by people like me. I go out with friends, i drink, i smoke, i fuck, i love, i hug, and best of all i ignore. I can go a whole day without truly thinking about the shitty plight someone is going through in san francisco which means it is even easier to forget about what someone is going through in Haiti while i go to bed comfortably and full. The guilt of this can be ravaging (and it should be). If you believe that nobody is truly free while one is imprisoned then the same should be said for starvation, hunger, and access to care (in all of its forms). The anger I feel when I admit this to myself is what gives me anxiety.
I am angry as all hell that I am 27 fucking years old and still have no real long lasting contribution to any of these problems. Yes, I am nice. I live my life treating the people I run into well. I believe I am a good friend, a good brother, and a good son. I am a good neighbor, a good roommate, and a good stranger on the street. I say hi, i talk to people, i care for those who I come across. I share my possessions and my time with my friends and people I care about. But that is nowhere near enough. I need a life dedicated to the beliefs i hold deep within myself. As I read about Paul Farmer I am struck by his dedication to his beliefs. Too often, I am silent when I speak. Too often, I stand by as others are oppressed. Too often, I am a tool of the system. These should be things that never happen to me, but they do. I let them happen. I forget that I need to mold the world I want to live in. I need to create a place where I can sustain happiness. I truly believe that this is impossible in the world I currently live in. Therefore, I have no choice but to go out there and break shit, change it, rebuild, tear down, do whatever is fucking necessary to create a world where I am happy and comfortable. I honestly believe this is possible and that deep down most people are with me when they stop with bullshit excuses. We are humans living in a world created by humans and run by humans...we cannot afford to forget that.
Last week I wrote a manifesto: It is cliche, it is trite, but i see value in it. I see value in tattoos, slogans, reminders of what it is one truly loves and believes in. I love hugs, i love family (not nuclear but created family), I love friends, i love intimacy, i love sharing, i love chains broken, i love tears of joy, i love laughing till i cry, i love beautiful words, i love beautiful people (of which there are billions), I love the ocean, forests, hills, mountains, cliffs. I love waves and feeling the power of the world and sometimes fighting it and sometimes letting myself be carried away. Anyways, here is my manifest, mostly so I can look at it when I feel anxious and angry and weak, and then I can remember to fight and to endure and to never give up on myself and my beliefs.
Be gentle with everyone, starting with myself
Treat others as I want to be treated
React to others injustice as strongly as I would react to my own injustice (react strongly to my own injustice)
Hold no power over others, let no others hold power over me
Believe in others as I believe in myself
Believe in myself
Make your world the one you want to live in
Love unconditionally
Give unconditionally
Stand against all stupid isms
Remember that staying quiet is a form of oppression
Fight oppression on small and large scales
Defy convention
Be free
Dont ever feel shame in being myself
Ask for help, give help
Being a good listener, sharer, friend, etc means both listening and sharing and letting others share and listen with you
Develop deep meaningful relationships
Well, that was cheesy and trite, but I believe necessary... We will see what happens, I will see what I make happen
posted by Rydra Cosmo at
11:21 AM
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