amy

Just watched the Amy Winehouse movie with a close friend C.  It was like going through my relationship with Stephanie all over again.  The ups and downs, abuse, self harm and spiral of self destruction.  It's funny how self destruction can be so different than destroying yourself.  Self destruction is more like complete self absorbtion and being resigned to your fate, while the act of destroying yourself is to create a nothing to create out of.  I am finally trying harder and harder to the the destroying of the self instead of the self destruction.  It's so easy to think about us meeting up and me being covered in blistered from burning myself and her being covered in cuts from cutting herself and feeling like there was some kind of special bond over our self destruction.  It was completely exhausting...and I will always have some relationship with that thing, but no longer will it define me. 

end of the world

Played the role playing game end of the world with a few friends tonight.  I ended up having axes, a bow and an arrow, a handgun, and a wetsuit on as a kayaked down toward the marina where a tsunami was coming.  The game was creepy because we were all playing ourselves...and then people started dying in weird ways. 

I started to get a bit scared/creeped out and really wanted to text snail.  I didn't though because I felt I had seen them a bit thursday, we texted yesterday, emailed yesterday, and I saw them next weekend.  It's kind of hard to weigh all of this when deciding to contact them... it becomes hard to do it out of my own desire.  I felt weird about this.  I wished I could text them, or call them, but instead I came home and am here writing.  meh.

alexis

I miss you.  I wish you were here now.  I wish we lived in the same city, or the same house, or that I could call you on the phone.  But, you died on my birthday.  You died on your birthday, your first one.  You chose not to live.  A year after you left, on the same random calendar day, april 7th, I decided to come into this world.  I fought for it, and I still do.  I understand why you chose not to come.  This life is full of pain, but I still wish you were here, selfishly. 


One day I will be wherever you are, but not today.

PAIN RAGE

fucking pain and rage for the better part of 3 weeks and most intensely the last 6 days.  Something is bound to break. 

tuesday morning

Still feeling the same weirdness.  Spending too much time in bed.  There are real issues with living in cities for me.  The distractions of screens and work and all the other bullshit overwhelm me when my brain chemicals feel off....as they have for a while now.  I can't figure out how to break out of this. I'll try surfing this weekend, hopefully that will help. 

I miss snail.  I miss warm ocean water.  I miss Bellamy.  fuck it.  long day at work.  Try again tonight..

A lot going on

Had casual sex with a human from Sweden crashing at my warehouse last night.  It was fun.  They slept upstairs on the couch after.  I think I was in it mostly for the cuddles and kisses, but ending up with the sex and bed alone.  I didn't feel bad last night or today though...so who knows. 

I went on a job interview today....so I might be getting paid significantly more to work less....which would be pretty fucking rad! 

I still feel an empty void in my chest that I've been feeling for 3 weeks.  Maybe it is because my warehouse is on the verge of not existing and we will shortly be evicted, or my job uncertainty, or caz i rarely exercise or surf these days, or because I am in love w snail.  My biggest concern is the hole in my chest, or the void I have feel feeling lately, that some call depression, others anxiety....is the feeling I have from being in love...this is really concerning and I hope that is not the case.....now onto teaching swim lessons til dark...

an honest assessment of the situation

politix are as meaningless as intentions
actions matter, birth matters, death matters

It's Saturday night, i have a computer with endless streaming abilities in front of me,
a phone with hundreds of readily available humans to the left of me
I chose the lighter to the right of me to burn the ankle to the left of me
Felt present for the first time in two days

Is pain pleasure, is pleasure pain?
who gives a fuck either way, they are both things we, us supposed humans, cannot begin to understand
we have morals or ethics, what is the difference?  both attempts to explain a world infinitely more complex than our minds can fathom

So fuck it, I have warm skin and a hotter lighter, that is how I will spend my friday night
Thank you klonepin and weed, thank you childhood and heartbreak, thank you world I witness every fucking day
So it is mac n cheez, a hot lighter, and mindless entertainment, until tomorrow brings another chance to pretend to infuse meaning into my life. 

it's strange

It's strange to still miss her.  It's hard to tell what I miss.  I don't miss hugs or kisses, because there weren't many.  I don't miss suprises or good trips because there weren't many.  So what do I miss?  I'm not sure.  Maybe it was the high stakes feeling that took me over.  Maybe nothing about it was good.  I don't know. 

As for now, things with snail are really feeling amazing.  We give each other tons of space, and when we hang out it's amazing.  They were having a rough day on Wednesday so we got pizza, walked to the park near my house, played on the structures and laid on the big swing for a long time, then came home and cuddled for an hour and told each other how much we like each other and how pretty we are.  They said I was wonderful, I responded "I know."  Because sometimes it is nice to feel like I am sweet and wonderful and with snail it is really easy. 

I have more thoughts, but writing hasn't come easily lately....maybe caz I recently hit a snag in my reading... we will see if we can fix that