fuck everything all the time

pretty amazing how quickly good moods end.  I was really happy and so were 2 friends yesterday.  We were eating mexican food and having a good time and I blurted out that feelig good was the worst because you know it's going to end and then suck.  I got 2 pieces of shit news tonight and am trying not to melt down about it.  fuck other people who don't take care of themselves and inflict their shitty behavior on others.  Do what I do when you feel shitty and fucking lay in bed for a week and isolate.  fuck off and die.

Seattle roadtrip

Went to the Seattle Anarchist Bookfair last weekend to table for my radio project, freeradicalradio.net

I took two ride shares up there and ended up sleeping in a park for a long time.  The bookfair was fun but uneventful.  There was a presentation on cruelty that I found particularly interesting.  Anyways. I ended up meeting up with Snail who was already traveling with a friend, on Sunday.  So began 4 days of hanging with each other....

We ended up driving out to camp fairly quickly and spent Sunday at a very beautiful and isolated lake in the forest in washington.  It was fucking awesome.  We had some heavy conversations about our feelings and about me wanting to know more, and snail fought that and I think they ended up being right about that and a lot of stuff made more sense to me after that.  It made more sense that there are just some things they don't want to talk about, and I'm down with that.  They wanted me to support them and hug them and be there, and I usually am, and want to continue to be.  So the trip goes on....

The most eventful part of the trip was Tuesday night.  They were laying on the floor of a room we were crashing in and I came in and laid next to them and hugged them.  Dialogue goes as follows:

Snail:  i like you
me:  I like you a lot
Snail:  How much
me:  you don't want to know
Snail:  yes i do
me:  i really don't think you do
snail:  tell me
me:  are you sure? 
snail:  yes I'm sure
me:  I love you
snail:  I know, I love you sometimes

After a brief discussion about how Snail knew i loved them and knew I didn't want to say those words to put pressure on them, they told me that they were happy I loved them and felt good about it, and also that they knew I was trying not to say it.  Kind of funny.

Fast forward past hours of cuddling and kissing and then falling asleep to me waking up in the middle of the night and spooning snail with a giant hug.  Snail says : Cosmo, I love you. 

So on I go.  A new relationship, 5 months now.  The most mature, healthy, loving, poly, respectful, fun, and non-dramatic relationship I have ever been in.  Snail doesn't want to fuck me and I don't want to fuck them.  We want to kiss and cuddle and talk and I will make out with their hips and thighs for hours and they will hit me and burn me and tell me they care about me and like me and love me and I will do the same.  As someone once said about their relationship with me, " I won't doubt the moments of magic in this one."  And with Snail, it is magic, and I don't doubt that, and I won't ever forget that. 

snail

On Wednesday I emailed Snail and told them that I haven't been feeling great about our time apart and that I wanted to have a talk about my feelings.  They emailed me back and said let's talk tomorrow and so we did.  They came over after work thursday night and we had a really nice talk.  I was nervous it was going to be a big thing and they were super caring and gentle and honest and I felt like I was able to really express my feelings.  I told them that it feels like they pull apart the closer we get and that this hurts and they agreed this was happening and we decided to keep talking about it and try to change how that looks.  We talked about what space looks like and how neither of us were looking for a relationship, but that we met each other and that changed things.  We talked about problems in past relationships and how we would act differently now.   It was really sweet.

Then we made out for a really long time and did our mutual violence thing and at the end of it we just held each other really really tight and they cried and I licked all their tears...so sweet

So...I wrote that a couple days ago and now I have time to come back to it.  I am having kind of a weird day.  I got way too much sun this week, everyday at work for several hours and like 5 more hours yesterday jumping off cliffs and reading in Santa Cruz.  Just walked with my friend J for a while but I am feeling pretty fucking anxious.  Thinking about texting snail, or emailing them, but I think this feeling is something I have to work out for myself.  I wanna take klonepin but don't think I can find where I put it, or if I even have any left. 

Ugh, I still want to keep in conversation w Snail.  I especially want to talk about them saying they want to hang out an equal amount w their friends.  This seems impossible to me and I reject the idea of equality so it's especially difficult.  I feel like we hang w people in phases, things are fluid, and it's hard that we are so into hanging w each other and it is so great, but that they are trying to keep things equal.  It is something to keep in conversation about, but it is hard when I know they said to me once that they are "really trying to resist spending all their time w me."  I'd like to find middle ground between once every week or two and all our time, so I guess we need to talk about what that looks like more.  I miss them right now, and it sucks that hanging with them and talking and being close would instantly make me feel better now.  I've felt this before though , and I want to be able to feel better on my own or with a multitude of people....so I guess I will try and figure out how to do that. 

wah wah wah

This feels mostly woe is me complainy, but if there is a place for that in my life, it is here.  Anyone reading this is most likely a stranger since I don't really tell anybody about this site.  so...ya.

So Snail and I have wonderful hangouts, our actual time together is amazing.  The deal is that they want space, a lot of space.  That in and of itself is not the problem though.  The problem is the way I am feeling right now.  So I saw Snail July 3rd and 4th after not seeing them for a while.  Then we took another pretty big break and had a sleepover a week ago.  We didn't really hang except for a brief hour or two this past thursday when i dropped off something they wanted.  Then they spent the weekend hanging with other friends datey ppl etc.  Then, I got an email from them yesterday where they were saying it had seemed like our expectation was to talk everyday....which is not how i feel or see it.  Also, I feel like we text an even amount and that they initiate it quite a bit of the time.  The other thing is that I don't want to be constantly monitoring our levels of communication, I want it to be more natural, but I don't see how that can be right now.  But, I leave out the heart of the story.

The real problem for me is that I feel  that everytime we get closer and more intimate, physically, mentally, and emotionally, they begin to pull away.  It is hard not to feel that they resent me or us for being close.  I know they have past stuff, and whatever they want is fine...but it sucks to be reminded of Stephanie.  Stephanie famously looked at me and said "I hate you for knowing so much about me, I hate you because I love you, I hate you because you love me."  While I can understand how someone who has been hurt would have those feelings, I don't fucking want that.  I want to be close to someone who feels good when we are close and more intimate and know each other better. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.  I don't want to be in this position again.  I don't know that this is the position I am in, but it feels like it.  I don't know if I can live 5 minutes away from someone I love and see them once every 10 days.  I don't know if this is gonna work and it makes me mad.  I want to have something more lasting, that goes deeper, that has the joy my relationship with Snail has.  I don't know if I can or want to do it like this and I am mad that it might not work out.  I am not mad at them, but the situation.  I am not going to push through another painful situation forever like I did with Stephanie.  I refuse to do that to myself.  I want to fucking burn the shit out of myself, I want to punch myself in the face until I am out cold, I want to destruct, but I fucking can't do that either.  I don't really want that.  So I am gonna fucking settle for cigarettes and patience and try to have an honest and direct conversation with Snail whenever that happens.  FUCK

cancer

I still smoke a half pack to a pack of american spirits a day.  In november of 2014 I had my left testicle removed because it revolted and had a germ cell malignant tumor, or more easily, I had testicular cancer.  For some reason I decided to only tell my family and a few other people.  I mostly kept it to myself.  As much as I regret anything, I regret this.  If it ever happens again I will reach out to more friends.  I was dating Stephanie at the time, who was as supportive as I believe she was capable of being.  She still cheated on me, probably during my surgery, and definitely the week after, but that is irrelevant. 

I had the week off work this week and had all these ideas and expectations for myself..I will get out of town.  I'm gonna go on a surf trip.  I'm gonna read and write.  The best I did was go surfing on Thursday for an hour and a half in Santa Cruz, but whatever, it was something.  I spent a few days laying in bed most of the day and ate a bunch of junk food. fuck.  that is what i hate about myself.  The other thing I hate is feeling that I am too much for the people I am close to, and constantly misunderstood.

It's Saturday night, or Sunday Morning, at 1am now.  I spent the evening with G, a person I've been dating for a month.  They asked me to come home with them, but I came to my home, alone.  I felt a deep emptiness hanging out with them in my chest tonight.  I don't really understand why...I am attracted to G, G is really smart and interesting and wild and fun.  I don't get it.  I spent a lot of the night thinking about Snail.  I'm totally in love with Snail, and am trying to figure out what that is going to look like.  Right now , it seems they are interested in about one hang a week and it often feels like they love me too.  Our last hang felt kinda off....they were having a bad  night, feeling angry at themselves and the world, and I was trying to hang without caretaking too much or at least in a healthy way.  I dunno, it's fucking hard and confusing to be in a healthy relationship.  I have never been in one this long before, it's been 4 months.  I guess I am gonna keep doing what I have been doing, which is taking it slow and letting it happen and appreciating the fact that Snail has boundaries and refuses to lose themself in this thing we have with each other. 

Tomorrow is another day, I will keep trying until I am dead.